Every day was perfect. Knight walked me through many ‘firsts’. My first night away from ‘adults’. My first wine cellar door (and then I became a true adult). My first shopping spree of finer taste (Knight dragged me into the change rooms and chucked clothes at me. ‘But I don’t wear dresses! Oh wow I look so good in a dress!’) My first load of laundry in a communal Laundromat (and my first load of laundry…but I didn’t tell him that…but I think he figured it out). My first hostel (the bathroom was gross). My first black out (Knight shoved his phone charger into the wall too forcibly and blew out the whole hostel. He threw me out of the room as flames and sparks danced from the electrical socket.) My first weirdo next-door neighbour (His name was Dunc. But I think he kept mispronouncing his name without the R.) We found an awesome camping store that priced everything below cost and he helped me pitch my first tent. Then we went on my first trek (I was so whiny!) and then my first hitch-hike! (AFTER the trek! Geez, I’m not that much of a princess!)
And in turn, I threw my arms out and went free falling into that mystical abyss of love. Oh, the sheer ecstasy. I had not experienced anything even close to it before; that catch in the throat when he called my name…the sly glance around the room to spot the envious glares…the melting sensation when his lips closed around mine and relished the soft, moist caress…the depth of his gaze penetrating my soul seeking to know me, craving to have me, aching to own me…and with the validation that comes with the love from another, I swelled with happiness as I felt myself grow into the person I always wanted to be...a seeker.
Then he received the email. We were in Apollo Bay when he got news from the NGO in Thailand. By then we had already been on the move for a month, in the self-indulgent routine of driving, cooking, eating, love-making and laughing.
‘They want me there in December, and I still want to go around Asia before I get to Thailand. I plan to leave in 2 weeks.’ He exhaled. ‘Man, that was harder to say than I thought.’ Gee, thanks, honey. I closed my eyes and shut my book. ‘I thought it was going to be easy to say bye to you…’ Gee, thanks, honey. ‘…that I could detach and get on with it…but it already hurts…’
And it did. It hurt so much. I felt like I was a cripple having my crutches snatched out from under me. How was I going to do anything without him? For the last month we barely left each others’ side. He’d leave for the bathroom for 3 minutes and I’d miss him. How could I…? Just how?
We returned to Melbourne and flew from there to Queensland. Knight was already in exit mode, distancing himself from me emotionally, but still habitually reaching for my hand. I felt his retreat but we both insisted we stay together for as long as he was in Australia. He brought me to his parents. They welcomed me with open arms into their house. The most beautiful house I’d ever seen. Built with their own hands, it was like a seed was planted into the ground and there grew a house. So organic. Raw timbers, large windows, ocean views and a luscious tropical garden. He showed me into his world. I fell deeper in love.
As he prepared for Thailand, I started job-hunting. I needed a plan for when he left too. I heard from one of Knight’s friends about a job on this island off Central Queensland on the Great Barrier Reef. Apparently it was some awesome spot for diving. Whatever. I wanted to focus on being with him. For days I grieved. But then…another strange sensation started creeping up on me. It was very unexpected, but I started feeling…excited! It took me a while but I finally realized why…I realized that once he left…I’d be alone. I was in Queensland, I was nowhere near family, I was void of friends…I was going to be properly alone…for the first time ever. No one had any obligations to look after me…I had to do it on my own. And it excited me! I was desolate that was he was leaving but ecstatic to be by myself. It was very emotionally confusing. It was all swirling within and around me with no definitive edges, shapes or lines. One minute I’d be laughing and kissing him, and then the next I’d be curled up in a corner inconsolable.
At the airport he was the last to board. We exchanged our last kiss, our last hug, our last ‘I love you’. Our final good-bye. The gate-attendant lady was kind enough to let him walk out of sight before she pushed the heavy door shut with a hiss. She pouted with sympathy and in a high-pitched baby voice asked, ‘where did he go, huh? Where did he go?’ Don’t patronize me, Bitch! I’m grieving! I wanted to shout, but instead I stammered, ‘H-h-he’s GONE! I’m n-n-never going to see him again! N-n-not the way I see him n-n-now!’
I staggered back to his car and sat at the wheel for hours. I cried oceans. Things were changing. I hoped of all hopes that the future Knight and Deb would meet again and pick up from where we left off and continue the magic…but I’d already seen how fast things changed. We were on our way to becoming different people. I rummaged through my bag to find some tissue and found a note. It was folded up roughly and looked like it had been torn out of a notebook.
Dearest Deb,
Thank you for all the love and happiness you gave me. You are so strong and so beautiful. Keep asking questions and go find yourself. There will always be a space for you in my heart. I will never forget you.
Love Knight
The car sat idle with my tears dripping onto the steering wheel for another hour. How? How? How what? I still didn’t know.
And then my phone rang. I wasn’t ready, but I picked it up anyway. I sniffed loudly as I answered.
‘Hello?’
‘Is this Debra Ly?’
What’s this about? ‘Uh huh, speaking.’
‘This is Celia calling from Lady Elliot Island. You applied for a position here on our Marine Park resort last week? Well, I was wondering if you’d be available to fly over for an interview? It’s a 20 minute flight, free of charge, back and forth.’
I blinked at the phone several times. I was being called for an interview for the one job I applied for…and I had to fly there? What?!
‘Hello? Debra? Are you still there?’
I wiped at my nose, still dripping with emotional snot. ‘Uh, sorry! Yes! I’m available anytime!’
‘Great, I’ll book you in for tomorrow at 8 o’clock in the morning then? I’ll book your flight back later in the evening so you can spend the day on the island and see how you feel. It’s tiny and really easy to explore. All good? We’ve already heard lovely things about you! Cool! See you tomorrow!’
I was stunned.
So, how? How do I say goodbye to the love of my life? By realizing that my life is not yet over.
